Philly Front Office

TLC Salts The Earth on his way out of Philadelphia

TLC, what did we do to deserve such disrespect? Did someone hurt you?

As you all know, former first round pick Timothe Luwawu-Cabarrot has been traded to Oklahoma City as part of a three-team deal that also included Justin Anderson being sent to Atlanta in exchange for Mike Muscala.

Despite showing occasional flashes, TLC was never able to earn himself significant playing time – partially due to unfortunate and untimely injuries. Despite all of his struggles, TLC was embraced by Sixers fans as a presence on the bench, and his minutes were always celebrated by the fans: which is why his betrayal is so shocking.

Instead of thanking the 76ers and their fans, TLC salted the earth by desecrating one of Philadelpha’s most sacred institutions:

Look at that cheesesteak. LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT WHAT HE HAS DONE.

TLC could have burned Betsy Ross’ house to the ground. He could have smashed the Liberty Bell. He could have toppled Rocky’s statue and dragged it through the streets, but he did this – he assaulted a perfectly good cheesesteak.

First off, there’s mayonnaise on it. Mayo is trash on it’s own, but on a cheesesteak? That’s like something Dr. Mureau would create. TLC apologists can argue that he was served the steak with mayo, but you can clearly see the Hellman’s packets – TLC willingly did this himself, there’s nobody else to blame. Then, to make matters worse, he took this photo while in the act of adding insult to injury with ketchup – turning a beautiful, delicious, and innocent sandwich into something monstrous and unholy.

Cheesesteak orders have long been a way to tell what lies in a man’s soul, and like a gypsy’s curse, a bad cheesesteak order has doomed many of the men foolish enough to make it. John Kerry tanked his easily winnable 2004 Presidential campaign by ordering Swiss Cheese like a psychopath (arguably inspiring the Swiss Cheese pervert). John F. Street kicked off a scandal-plagued mayoral term by touting his preference for a vile eggplant-based veggie jawn. Wisconsin Governor and noted ghoul Scott Walker ordered American cheese on his, not a disaster in itself, but showed no backbone by ordering from both Pat’s AND Geno’s – a decision that would cause him to drop out of the Republican Primary weeks later.

In sports, we must never forget the disgraceful showing from former Camden Rivershark Ben Revere, entitled “First Philly Cheesesteak Ever”

Shortly after posting this photo in December of 2012, Revere’s Phillies embarked on a stretch of consecutive sub-.500 seasons, becoming a bottom-feeder after years of dominance atop the National League. Coincidence? I think not.

As TLC is no longer part of the team, I expect that the Sixers will be spared from any effects of the cheesesteak curse, but after a summer of failed star hunting, TLC’s mayo monstrosity is like sprinkling pink Himalayan sea salt (which should never be used on a cheesesteak) in our wounds.

Steve Starkins is the Takesman Emiritus at Sixers Front Office.  Follow him on twitter at @FanSince09

Steve Starkins

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