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Philadelphia 76ers in Film

If Sixers players were in film, who would they portray and what film would they be in? As a reminder and for the courtesy of others, please turn off all cell phones. Thank you!

Jonah Bolden stars as Jonah B in Crocodile Dundee

Film: Crocodile Dundee

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated PG for some epic sequences of wingspans and scary spiders from Australia

Jonah B “Crocodile Dundee” is an Australian crocodile hunter who lives in the Australian outback and runs a safari business with his father Bruce and mother Marie. After surviving a crocodile attack, a  journalist from Las Vegas named Molly French arrives to interview Jonah about how he survived and learns more about the crocodile hunter. After saving Molly from a crocodile, Molly invites Jonah to visit the city of Philadelphia since Jonah has never been to a city. Jonah finds the culture and life in Philadelphia a lot different than his home and he finds himself falling in love with Molly. The most famous scene in the film takes place during a scrimmage at practice. Joel Embiid tries to dunk on Jonah B, saying “Welcome to the NBA, rook.” Fellow teammate TJ steps back and says, “He’s got a wingspan” to Jonah. Jonah looks at Joel and says, “Haha, that’s not a wingspan, that’s a wingspan!” while stretching his arms over Joel Embiid for the ferocious poster dunk.

Zhaire Smith stars as Zhaire Bauman from Stronger

Film: Stronger

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated R for disturbing images of acute Jones fractures and drug use

Zhaire Bauman loses a foot when a trade bomb explodes during the NBA Draft on June 21st, 2018. After regaining consciousness in the hospital, Zhaire is able to help law enforcement identify one of the suspects, but his own battle is just beginning. With unwavering support from his Sixers teammates and Brett Brown, Bauman embarks on a long and heroic journey to physical and emotional rehabilitation.

Amir Johnson stars as Amir Robinson in The Wrestler

Film: The Wrestler

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated MA for violence, sexuality/nudity, language, and other bad stuff

Amir Ramzinski, better known by his stage name Amir “Tall Money” Robinson, is an aging NBA player who achieved fame in the 80s. Twenty years later, Amir is now a has-been, barely getting by with basketball gigs over the weekend while working part-time at a local bakery. Fortunately, Amir is given the chance for redemption after agreeing to a backup role with the Sixers to play against one of his most well-known opponents, the Boston Celtics. However, Amir is forced to retire after suffering from a heart attack. With his career over, Amir is forced to start anew. Struggling to adjust to a new life and declining skillset, can Amir cope with Brett Brown’s pace and space offense?

And now, a brief intermission…

Landry Shamet stars as Landry Kyle from American Sniper

Film: American Sniper

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated R for strong and disturbing war violence, sexual references, and lots of head busting shots from 3 point range

Sharpshooter Landry Kyle takes his sole mission, protecting his teammates, to heart and becomes one of the most lethal snipers in Sixers history. His pinpoint accuracy not only provides ample spacing but also makes him a prime target of insurgents from the Celtics of Boston and Raptors of Toronto. Despite great danger and his struggle to be a good husband and father to his family back in Kansas City, Landry serves three tours of duty at Wichita State. However, when he finally returns home, he finds that he cannot leave the war of Sixers vs Celtics behind. Each time that he returns home, he has problems to readjust to his family and to the social life of being the best 3 point shooter in NBA history.

TJ McConnell stars as TJ Baggins in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Film: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated PG-13 for extended sequences of intense fantasy action violence and frightening images of a naked CJ McGollum

TJ Baggins is swept into a quest to reclaim the lands of Middle World B. Free from the fearsome collars of the Colangelos. With his best friend Samwise, TJ and Sam find themselves joining a company of thirteen Sixers led by the legendary warrior, Joel Oakenshield. Their journey will take them into the Wild through treacherous lands swarming with Raptors from Toronto, deadly giant Bulls from Chicago, and Shapeshifters and Sorcerers from Orlando. Although their goal lies to the West and the wastelands of the lonely Golden State Mountain, they must escape the goblin tunnels, where TJ meets a creature from Portland that will change his life forever … CJ McGollum. To protect himself from foes, TJ uses a pull up mid-range jumper that he names Sting. Here, alone with McGollum on the shores of an underground lake, the unassuming TJ Baggins not only discovers depths of guile and courage that surprise even him, he also gains possession of McGollum’s “precious” ring that holds unexpected and useful qualities … A simple, gold ring that is tied to the fate of all Eastern and Western Conferences in ways TJ cannot begin to comprehend.

JJ Redick stars as Rocky Balboa in Rocky Balboa

Film: Rocky Balboa

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated PG for shooting violence and some language

JJ Balboa is a longtime retired sharpshooter and remembered by the National Basketball Association as one of the greatest shooting champions in the world. Now living back in the skids of South Philadelphia, he manages a good life including running his hipster restaurant Watches. After seeing a virtual fight of JJ in his prime vs. current shooting champion Steph “the Chef” Curry, JJ’s interest in basketball sparks again and he plans to shoot in local courts. Chef Curry and his managers have a different agenda though, with a plan to pit JJ vs. Steph in real life for a publicity act to regain Steph’s lost respect from his fans in Golden State. Finally agreeing to Curry’s proposal, JJ prepares to step onto the court for one last time with the Philadelphia 76ers to prove he is the greatest shooter in NBA history.

Robert Covington stars as Batman in The Dark Knight

Film: The Dark Knight

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and lots and lots of menace

Philadelphia’s new district attorney has been elected. His name is Sam Hinkie, and he has a radical new agenda that threatens to take down Adam Silver’s organized crime underworld once and for all. But the emergence of the rogue vigilante known as Batman has caused problems for Sam and his agenda. A new criminal mastermind known only as “The Snake” has arrived and aims to take Philadelphia out from under Sam Hinkie’s iron fist. The Snake, otherwise known as Bryan Colangelo, stages a masterfully planned heist, with the assistance of his father Jerry Colangelo, to out Sam from power in Philadelphia. When Batman thinks he might have found a lead to The Collar thanks to Wayne Enterprises’ dealings with a shady Croatian banker named Dario Saric, it takes Batman and Alfred to Sibenic, Croatia. The Snake has no rules, but Batman has only one, and The Collar aims to make Batman break his only rule. But who will be the one to take him out – will it be rogue vigilante Batman or will it be elected general manager Sam Hinkie, the new hero with a face? In an epic speech, Hinkie says, “You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” Robert Covington vanishes into the dark as the hero Philadelphia deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

Markelle Fultz stars as Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas

Film: The Nightmare Before Christmas

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated PG for some scary images

Kelle Skellington is Halloween Town’s celebrity ghoul. Kelle’s fame comes from how effective he is at putting pumpkins into baskets. In the beginning, Kelle is in the midst of  a mid-life crisis: He’s tired of shooting pumpkins with the same, old form. When he falls down a portal into Keith Williamstown, Kelle attempts to change his form and vows to become the next star of Philadelphia next to Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons. However, during the course of shooting jump shots while lying on the ground, Skellington makes a number of crucial errors that ultimately lead to his downfall, including injuring his shoulder. In the end of the film, Kelle Skellington decides to return to his former form, with the help of Drew Hanlen, as Halloweentown’s knight of fright and mind his own business.

Ben Simmons stars as Benjamus in Gladiator

Film: Gladiator

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated R for intense, graphic combat

In Gladiator, victorious floor general Benjamus Decimus Meridias has been named keeper of Philadelphia and its empire by dying general emperor Sam Hinkie, so that rule might pass from the Association back to the people. Marcus’ neglected and power-hungry son, Colangelos, finds another slant, however. Escaping an ordered execution, Benjamus hurries back to his home in Australia, too late to save his wife and son from the same order. Taken into slavery and trained as a big man by Johnny Jones, Benjamus lives only that he might someday take his revenge and fulfill the dying wish of his emperor. The time soon comes when Johnny Jones’ troupe is called to Philadelphia to participate in a marathon of games held at the behest of the new emperor, Colangelos. Once in Philadelphia, Benjamus wastes no time in making his presence known and is soon challenged by Colangelos to a dual to the death. Acknowledging that Benjamus’ skill exceeds his own, Colangelos deliberately stabs Benjamus in the chest just prior to the battle. On the court, the two exchange blows before Benjamus rips the sword from Colangelos’ hands. Colangelos requests a sword from his guards, but they refuse to lend him their weapons. When Benjamus drops his sword, Commodus pulls a hidden sword and attempts to attack.  Benjamus quickly beats Colangelos into submission and kills him with a slant of his own.

Joel Embiid stars as King Joel from 300

Film: 300

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated R for graphic battle sequences throughout and a scene of lion cruelty

300 tells the story of the Battle of Process in 480 B.C. Simple-minded basketball fans, under the rule of King Adam Silver, have already taken over most NBA teams and now threaten Philadelphia and the Sixers. King Joel of Philly is left with two options: he will either have to sacrifice himself for the well-being of Philly or watch it burn to the ground. Choosing the former, Joel forms an army of 300 Sixers warriors to block the narrow passage of Schukyll Valley where King Adam Silver intends to reach. The 300 manage to slay tens of thousands and prevent their entry into Philadelphia for several days. However, Bryan, a reject of the Toronto Army, gets his revenge by showing King Adam Silver a secret passage up the flanks of the passage. The story depicts the epic last stand of the finest Philadelphia soldiers who are aware of their fate but motivated by “honor and glory.” They see the battle as their duty to protect the rest of Philly for as long as possible. While King Adam Silver won the war, the Battle of the Process inspired millions and the Process will live on forever.

Elton Brand stars as Elton Plainview in There Will Be Blood

Film: There Will Be Blood

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated R for some violence

The film follows the quick rise to power of Elton Plainview – a charismatic and ruthless general manager, driven to succeed by his intense hatred of others and desperate need to see any and all competitors fail. When he learns of prospect-rich land in Philadelphia that can be bought cheaply, he moves his operation there and begins manipulating and exploiting the local landowners into selling him their property. Falsely projecting an image of a family man, Elton Plainview gains the cooperation of almost all the locals with lofty promises to win championships and cultivate a locker room of winning that will make their community flourish. Over time, Elton Plainview’s gradual accumulation of wealth and power causes his true self to surface, and he begins to slowly alienate himself from everyone in his life.

mrcrockpot

"Some would have us go out and buy apples. But we want to build the whole orchard, and you don't get to the moon by climbing a tree."
-Sam Hinkie

Jonah Bolden commented on my first game recap for SFO.

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